Monsoon
by Slaughter Daughter
Summary: He couldn't take it anymore. Couldn’t take the pain of being trapped inside his mind, of being uncomfortable in his skin... Of being lied to, over, and, over, and over again... Angel season three. After Connor's kicked out.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING!!! If I did why would I be writing this? Yeah, I wouldn't. And if I did you would think my writing would be better… **

**A/N: Also… feedback is very welcomed, I'd really like to improve on my writing, being that this is the very first time I've ever posted a story… So bring on the constructive criticism! Also, also… Why are there not more Connor fanfics? I love Connor! I want more Angel/Connor fics that are NOT slash! (cause that just scares me) O.O **

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"Good morning day…

I'm sorry your not here.

All those times before, were never this unclear.

It's hard to walk, when you can't even crawl…

Once I had this world, and now I've lost it all…"

-Drown by Three Days Grace

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Sleep never came easy… He tossed and turned, and tossed and turned all through the night, or the day as that was his usual time to rest. He patrolled the dark streets of .L.A. every night since his exile from the Hyperion. Since the night his father cast him aside... And Angel had a right to of course, Connor knew this, and he understood it. But that didn't seem to make it hurt any less. Which being Connor confused the hell out of him. He was supposed to hate his father, he was after all a vampire. A soulless monster who's purpose in his whole unlife was to drain people dry, inflict pain, and torment them mercilessly. But Connor knew differently now. And he knew deep down in his heart that his supposed 'father' Holtz knew this as well. He also realized that the man he called father for the first sixteen years of his life never really cared for him. The only thing he ever cared about was vengeance for his family, which Angelus slaughtered; except for his youngest daughter that he turned into a demon, forcing Holtz to throw her out into daylight…

Sighing Connor sat up in bed, in the small run down apartment he'd been living in for the past four months. He sat there with his face in his hands for what felt like hours before he finally looked up. The room was dirty. With a bed in the corner, that only had a blanket, and no sheet. And pressed against the wall was a small, old nightstand, that had books stacked on top of it. It wasn't the best of living conditions, but he was sure he could manage. After all he grew up in a hell dimension. But the more he thought about it, the less sure he was… This world was nothing like the one he was used to. No, nothing like Quor'toth at all...

There it was kill or be killed. Here it was so much more _complicated_… It wasn't just black and white, good and evil. There was all this "_gray_" that Angel always talked about. That it wasn't so simple. That not every demon was evil. At first he didn't believe him, he just thought his father was trying to manipulate him. But he slowly began to realize that Angel wasn't the one who was doing that. But none of it mattered now. He'd ruined everything, like he always does. It seems that evil wasn't the only thing that he destroyed, but love as well… Angel had loved him, but there's no way he could now. Not after sinking him to the bottom of the ocean in a quiet box. He accused Angel of being evil, but really he was the one with evil actions. He tortured his own father, his true father.

He hated himself so much for it, felt so very guilty. He didn't at first though, when he first did it. But it started taking it's toll on him. The _lying_. Lies he knew were evil. He knew he was wicked for it, but he thought he had to avenge his 'father' no matter how much pain he felt afterwards. And he felt the pain alright. He just wouldn't admit to it. Not to anyone outside this room. Especially not to Angel. He didn't want him to see how weak he was. How… dead inside.

He became robotic in a way. He went out fought demons, came back by sunrise, and tried desperately to sleep, but rarely could, and when he did he hated the nightmares that plagued his dreams. The memories of what it was like where he grew up. Of being six years old, alone, and crying desperately trying to find his 'father' who left him to fend for himself for nine days. Of being seven, and tied to a tree so he could become a better tracker. Which of course he was excellent at by now, even better than his very own vampire father… He shivered as he thought about what Angel had said before he, and Justine had horrifically dumped his only living, well… Sort of living family member in that cold, empty, dark watery grave.

"_Connor! I love you! Always remember that! I don't blame you!" _

"_I love you, Connor…" _Were his final words before he was too far down to see.

Then the night he was thrown out. That memory stung the most. _"Sit down!" _Angel said sharply. _"Your too weak to take me." _Was Connor's snide comment. _"Are you sure about that?" _And of course, Connor wasn't. He knew he could never actually take his father in a fight. Nor could he ever _actually_ kill him. He could try, yes. But his attempts were always feeble and useless, knowing the fact that deep down he'd never even wanted to.

Wasn't sure if he ever, even wanted to _try_, but he had… He was a mistake. He knew this. In fact it was the one thing in his life that he considered to be the truth. He was sure of it. He felt it in his very being, down to his hollow core. His existence was never meant to be. The bastard son of two vampires? His 'miracle' child, dad had called him once. No, that was a lie. He was about as much of a miracle as Ted Bundy was a saint. He was born of evil, to bring forth more evil. To bring destruction. He was a demon. And he was all alone, in a world that he didn't fully understand…

Connor's eyes misted over with unshed tears at this thought. He suddenly threw himself back into bed holding himself tightly, as though if he didn't he would surely fall to pieces…

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The wind was blowing fiercely. Judging by Connor's appearance you would have thought he could've been blown away at any given moment. What with his; tall thin frame, far too thin. If he lost anymore weight you would probably see his ribcage. His long, light brown scraggly hair that was strewn about every which way atop his head. His pale face, with dark circles that lay beneath his very bloodshot eyes. And despite all of this, his eyes bore a look of someone far beyond his age… Someone on edge. Someone who could break down at the drop of a hat.

A storm was coming. He could sense it, smell it in the humid thick air. He didn't care though, as he passed through deserted alley, after alley, _really _wanting nothing more than to hit something, preferably something with bright yellow eyes and razor sharp fangs, but there was no one out. Not even the demons would come out when there was a storm of this magnitude quickly approaching. Finally admitting defeat at any attempt to release his anger, he sat down in an empty alley with his back against a dirty brick wall. He sighed heavily pulling his knees to his chest, when it started pouring rain.

He stared blankly at the sky, or what he could see of it being that this was Los Angeles. There were so many buildings everywhere. So tall, and huge. And so many bright lights. You almost never saw the stars. That's one of the few things he missed about Quor'toth. There were so many stars…

He found it strange how the weather seemed to reflect his mood perfectly. Connor's body shook as tears rolled down his chalk white face, only to be washed away by the ice cold rain.

He was so immersed in his thoughts and his star gazing, that he didn't even notice someone quietly making their way into the alley, then stopping, intently staring at him.

"Connor? Are you alright?" said a familiar voice.

Connor's head whirled around, and he was suddenly on his feet, facing the person who had spoken; it was Angel.

"Why are you here?" Connor asked anger lacing his words. This was the last thing he wanted right now.

"To make sure that your okay."

"I'm fine."

"You don't seem fine. Have you been crying?" Angel said softly.

"No, I told you, I'm _fine_." _Damn vampire senses…_ He thought annoyed. He started to walk away when Angel spoke again.

"Wait! Where are you going?"

"Why? Where I go doesn't concern you." Connor said his gaze, which was locked with his father's momentarily faltering.

"Connor, you're my son, of course it does." Angel said taking a step forward, as Connor stepped back. "I love you…"

"No! Don't lie, go away!" He was frantically retreating back, trying to escape before he broke down, he couldn't do that in front of him…

"I'm not lying, I love you, I'm worried about what might happen to you out here alone tonight."

"You never cared before." Connor said harshly, still moving back, then added in small voice; "Besides, it doesn't matter. I've always been alone…"

"No, Connor that's not true, I'll always be here for you." Angel said desperately wanting his child to understand how much he was loved.

"Lies…" He murmured now reaching the sidewalk. "Everything's always a lie…" Was the last thing he spoke before quickly running his full superhuman speed down the sidewalk. He wasn't sure where he was going, all he knew was he couldn't take it anymore. Couldn't take the pain of being trapped inside his mind, of being uncomfortable in his skin. Of being lied to, over, and, over, and _over_ again… The first thing he remembers after being thrown into this new hell was his real father lying to him. And his whole life his fake father lied to every single day.

He ran, and ran, letting his feet guide him to where they wanted to go. Feeling his mind go completely void of any rational thought, as his pain grew stronger…

He finally stopped, nearly falling over with exhaustion when he did. He'd ran far more distances than this without any problem before, but tonight something was different…

Tonight he'd given up. He lifted his head, his body hunched over, his hands on his knees,

And realized where he was. He was standing in sand, facing the pitch black ocean. The waves were slamming violently against the shore, he thought them very untamed, and volatile, just like him…

He suddenly realized what he had to do, why he came to this place as he softly whispered;

"_A watery grave…_"

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**A/N: Yes a cliffhanger. I am evil… O.O I mean come on it's not really Connor without a suicide attempt. And I've never read any where he kills himself by drowning, which I find to be very fitting of him… But maybe that's just me? I've already written the second chapter, but probably won't post it until I know someone actually read this one. Simply because why bother if no one reads?** ***Hugs* ..**


	2. You can't breathe until you choke

**A/N: Second chapter… Kinda short… Sorry, but I'm writing the third right now and I'll try and make it longer than this one. So I was somewhat shocked to say the least that people actually read the first chapter, and surprisingly liked it. So thanks for the reviews, I'm definitely going to finish this story now, but it'll probably only be about four chapters, but I've been thinking I might make a sequel later on… Don't know yet… Anyway on with the story!!!**

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"You can't quit until you try.

You can't live until you die.

You can't learn to tell the truth until you learn to lie.

You can't breathe until you choke, you gotta laugh when you're the joke.

There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel… Alive…

Oh life…

Just open your eyes, just open your eyes…

And see that life is beautiful…

Will you swear on your life,

That no one will cry.

At my funeral…"

Life is Beautiful by Sixx AM

________

_Yes… It's perfect, it's what I deserve. To die the way I betrayed him…_

He nodded silently to himself deep in thought. Connor knew that drowning was among the most scariest, and painful ways to die. To have your lungs filled with water until you suffocate, that or the lack of body heat, which he really didn't have a lot of, as he stood shivering in the middle of this monsoon.

He stood up straight, trying to control his heavy breathing. He was nervous, he wasn't sure why, but he was… Shouldn't he be feeling relieved right now? Relieved that it was all about to end. The hopelessness, the self-hatred, the longing to be loved, and cared for, only to realize that he wasn't capable of being loved, or wanted.

His feet started moving on their own again, he let them still trying to regulate his ragged breathing. _Breathe in. Breathe out. _He recited in his mind. _Breathe in. Breathe out…_

But it didn't help, as he stopped just short of the rapid waves. He began shaking violently, his legs trembling and nearly giving out, but somehow he found the strength, as little as it may be to keep from falling.

What would people think of him if they saw him now? What would 'father' say of the way he's been acting? He'd probably tell him it wasn't important, to deal with it quietly, like he'd been doing, and not cry. Crying was a weakness. Talking about how you feel was a weakness… Suicide was a mortal sin 'father' had always said. And if you commit it you were sure to go to hell. But Connor felt he would go there anyway. He lived in a hell for all of his childhood. Lived in a hell now, he thought that nothing could be worse than this one.

He had to do this now before he could change his mind. He swallowed hard, but the lump in his throat just wouldn't go away. He stepped forward into the destructive water, shutting his eyes tightly, whispering; _"I'm sorry, dad…"_ before the waves thrashed at him, pulling him back and forth, until completely swallowing him whole…

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His eyes shot wide open, as he resurfaced from the water, only to sink back down, gasping for air. He vaguely wondered if this is how his dad felt when he sent him to this water world prison. Quickly the salty water started filling up his lungs, and he began to panic, despite the fact that this is what he wanted. He wanted to die this way. He needed to... _Is this what I want? _Was his last thought before he blacked out, hoping that his dad would understand why he did this.

* * *

He vaguely felt someone tugging on his arm underneath the black icy depths, being pulled to the surface, and someone placing his cold limp body on the sand. He felt a pressure on his chest.

"_Connor…" _He heard from a distance. _"Connor…" _The voice became louder, as he started sputtering up water from his lungs. He coughed uncontrollably, when he felt himself being embraced. He was shocked to see who the stranger who saved his life was.

His eyes went wide, and he tried to sit up.

"Da-dad?" He whispered, his throat was rubbed raw from all the salt water.

"Connor, I'm here." Angel said pushing the hair from his sons big blue eyes. "Oh my god, I thought I'd lost you…"

"_Why, did you come?" _Connor wanted to say, but started to cough violently.

"Lets get you home." Angel said softly.

He began to pick Connor up, when he heard the boy mutter barely audible;

"_I don't have a home…"_

"Yes, yes you do. You belong at the Hyperion with me."

"No… No, no, no…" Connor kept saying, tears rolling down his face.

"Shh… Don't cry, it's okay…" Even though Angel couldn't see Connor crying, from the heavy downfall of rain, he could smell the difference between the ocean, and his frail boys tears.

He hugged his child to his broad chest, Connor's fingers somehow managed to twist themselves in Angel's shirt, And he ran as fast as could without jostling the now unconscious boy in his arms…

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**A/N: I told you it was short… But no worries I should be done with the third chapter in a few days then I'll have it up! ^-^ **


	3. It weighs on my heart

**Disclaimer: Yeah… do not own it… Just borrowing the characters for a little bit, along with some lines from the mall episode, but hey what can I say they fit! TT__TT**

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**A/N: Yeah, sorry I always leave a A/N at the beginning and end of every chapter. I can't help it I pretty much always have something to say. X____X ****Anyhow… I hope you like this chapter! I know I liked writing it :} I would really like some constructive comments though, so if ya wanna give me some pointers here then by all means do!**

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"Please…

Don't tell me anymore.

There's a weight in your eyes,

And it weighs on my heart…

Where have the children gone?

We were innocent once,

But that was so long ago…

Have we lost our way back home?

We have made mistakes I know…"

-Have We Lost by Flyleaf

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Angel finally made it back to the Hyperion, Connor still out cold, sleeping on Angel's huge king sized bed that practically swallowed him whole. Connor's words from earlier still lingered in his mind, _"I don't have a home." _he'd said to him. Angel knew he didn't accidentally almost drown in the ocean. He knew that his son went there for a reason, a reason that he didn't want to admit to himself. He felt responsible for his son's actions. Maybe if he wouldn't have thrown him out, he wouldn't be so lost. He should've known better than to throw his only son, the child who was a baby only months ago, out into the cold cruel world, when the only life he'd ever known was one of the worst hell dimensions…

"_No… It hurts…_" Connor murmured in his sleep, his brow knitted together.

"Connor? It's okay, your safe now." Angel said gripping his son's cold clammy hand he was holding, tighter.

"No…" Connor said his eyelids slowly fluttering open.

"Dad?…" He asked. "Where am I?" his eyes scanning the room.

"Your _home_." Angel said simply, relieved his boy was awake, and talking to him.

"What do you mean?" He was confused by this answer, he wasn't at his apartment, if you could even call it that. It wasn't really much of a home, but it was the closest thing he had to one recently. Connor tried to sit up, and grimaced slightly, he looked at his arms, and saw the scrapes and bruises that covered them, he remembered being slammed into some jagged rocks, and thought his torso must be even worse, for it hurt more. Angel followed his son's gaze, and softly said;

"Your back at the hotel, where you belong."

"Wait, what? Why? Why didn't you leave me there?" Connor demanded his eyes angry and glazed over with unshed tears he was desperately trying to hold back.

"I couldn't let you die, Connor. As much as you might resent it, I do love you."

"No, no…" Connor shook his head, he didn't belong anywhere, he should be dead right now, not snuggled in his father's bed, wearing what he knew by the scent, and size were his father's clothes. "Lies…" He whispered.

"Connor, look at me." Angel said, but Connor bowed his head, staring at his hands. So Angel put one hand on his shoulder, the other under his chin, gently lifting it up to make eye contact, but still, Connor's watery eyes stared down.

Angel frowned at this. "It's not a lie, son. I want us to start over, I want us to be a _family_." Angel's eyes were pleading, but Connor's gaze stayed down.

"No, it's a lie. We can't start over, can't be saved by a lie…" He said, tears spilling out from his beautiful eyes, that seemed to hold so much pain…

"It's the truth! Do you know what your mother told me the night she had you? I don't why I didn't tell you sooner, I know I should have." Connor just shook his head.

"She said that you were the only good thing we ever did together, and to make sure you knew that."

"But I'm not…" Connor said quietly. "Me being here, alive, can't be a good thing. I'm bad, I'm angry, I'm… I-I'm not human…"

"Son, yes you are."

Connor shrugged his father's touch off, He didn't want to talk about this. Not now. Talking about things wasn't exactly Connor's strong point, he tended to say the wrong thing, whether it be on purpose or not.

"No! I'm not! I was born of two vampires for gods sake! How can I be? If you stake me I'm likely to turn to damn ashes!"

"Connor, that's not true. You _are_ human." Angel said with such a determined tone, that Connor finally looked at him.

"No, I'm not." Connor said, then when Angel opened his mouth to protest he cut him off saying, "At least not completely…"

Angel gave him a pointed look, but said nothing more on the subject.

"Look… Dad, can we just not do this right now?" He was fidgeting with his blanket, idly looking around the room, he'd never actually been in this room before. Well, not since he was a baby at least. He remembered the scent though. He always remembered his dad's scent, that's how he knew it was his father when he stepped out of that awful portal. He shivered at the memory. Wait, what did dad just say?… "Huh?"

"I asked if you were cold? Do you need another blanket?"

"No. I'm fine." He was cold, but he was used to that by now. He always felt the cold, and knew that it wouldn't go away. At least not anytime soon…

"Connor, your freezing." Angel said matter-of-factly. "I'll get you another blanket."

Connor sighed, realizing that it wasn't worth it to argue.

"I'll be right back." Angel said giving Connor a sympathetic look, that Connor didn't understand. So he just nodded in return.

Connor lied back on the mattress as the door shut, but winced from the sharp pain he felt in his ribs. He wasn't sure if they were simply bruised, or if they were broken, but either way he knew they hurt. Deciding to check the damage he'd actually done to himself, he stood up, stretching as he walked to the connecting bathroom.

He pushed the door open, letting it slowly swing back after he entered. Stepping in front of the mirror, he noticed a black sheet was draped over it. Confused as to why it was there, he pulled it off. Finally able to see himself, he saw for the first time, his face was slightly bruised, and scratched, but nothing serious. He slowly itched his shirt over his head, and was shocked to see how bad it was.

The shirt fell to the floor with whoosh sound, as he gingerly touched his completely black and blue torso. He hadn't expected this. Shouldn't this be healing faster? He wondered.

He cocked his head to the side, critically looking at his reflection. He slowly lifted his hand to touch the cold glass, that held the image of his form, he finally looked how he felt on the inside. He was never one for his reflection. It never mattered how you looked in Quor'toth, although, looking savagely did tend to keep some of the lower level demons away. They really weren't even worth his time…

He'd glimpse his image in the river sometimes, he remembered wondering if he looked anything like his biological father at all. He really didn't. The only thing he had of his father's was his hair. Although he was told by his 'father' that he had Angelus' smirk, but he wasn't sure if that counted or not. Angel was his father, he wasn't evil when Connor was conceived, so Angelus couldn't actually be his father like Holtz had always told him.

His mother, he knew _was_ evil when she had him, so why would Angel tell him differently, when he knew it wasn't, and _couldn't_ be true… Had Angel lied to him again?… No. He wouldn't after everything that had happened. _Would he?…_ He thought, his eyes becoming wet again…

He drew his hand back, tears pouring freely, his body shaking with sobs, he was trying to choke them back down, and failing. He collapsed to his knees, his arms wrapped around his thin frame, finally giving in to the anguish he felt in his soul, not caring about the people two flights of stairs down. They couldn't hear him. And even if they could, they didn't matter. The only one he didn't want to hear, was hurriedly running up the stairwell, at the sound of Connor's first cry of sadness…

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**A/N: Not really a long, 'long' chapter, but a lot longer than the last so… yay? One more chapter after this! O.O I've never actually finished a fanfic before. I've started them, yes… But I always stopped writing them. Whether it be from lack of confidence in my writing or just pure boredom, I stopped. But… I am **_**not**_** going to with this one!! **


	4. Enemy, I'm sorry

**Disclaimer: If I owned 'Angel' there would've been way more of Connor!! And also of Spike… Just 'cause you gotta love his annoying British-ness! But sadly… I don't… And there wasn't nearly enough of either character to my liking…**

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**A/N: Last chapter!!! O.O I'm both excited, and nervous about this… I hope you all like it! I was up really late finishing it… Thanks to everyone who read, and reviewed!! ^-^**

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"I have made you my… Enemy…

I been my own… Enemy…

I am asking… For you to forgive me,

For everything…

If you don't…

Your worthy of compassion.

If you don't…

You're a better man than I am…

If you don't know.

You are my family…

Enemy…

I'm sorry…"

-Enemy by Flyleaf

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The bathroom door swung open, revealing to Angel his child, weeping, and hugging himself tightly. Connor was gripping his bare skin so tight that his nails that were digging into his flesh, had actually drawn blood.

"_Please…_" Connor rasped. As Angel rushed to his side, turning Connor to face him, his eyes worried. "Please…" Connor said again. "Please, just kill me…"

Angel was speechless, staring into his son's tormented, wet eyes… His own becoming teary, and desperate. He didn't know what to do, he'd experienced this from Faith before yes, but she murdered people with very little guilt. What had Connor done that was so bad that he'd want Angel to kill him? That would make him want to kill himself?

Angel couldn't answer either question, as he wrapped his arms around the sobbing boy in front of him, not knowing what else to do, but try and comfort him, and realizing that he needed this just as much as Connor did.

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Connor didn't know what to think when Angel hugged him. He was startled at first. Angel had never done that before, because he knew that Connor wasn't used to physical contact with people, unless it was in a fight.

'father' never held him like this before…  
When Connor was a child, and he would cry 'father' would just tell him that he needed to be a man, and to stop acting like weakling. And so that's what Connor learned to do. If Connor was hurt by a demon, he never let it show. He could be covered in gashes and act as if it was nothing, but a paper cut…

But dad… He didn't care that Connor wasn't being strong. He embraced him, as if that one simple gesture would make everything that was so wrong, better. Connor suddenly felt something, cold and wet drip down onto his skin. He was confused about what it was, until he realized they were _tears…_ But they weren't his. No they were Angel's. Dad was crying… But why?…

Connor let go of his iron grip on himself, and quickly hugged his father back with such a force it would have crushed a human, but his dad wasn't human, nor was he.

"_Dad?_" He said, his voice muffled by his father's now tearstained shirt.

"Yes?" Angel said pulling back as much distance as he could with his son's desperate grip on him.

"Why are you crying, too?" Connor lifted his head from Angel's shoulder, to stare him in the eyes. His baby blue irises bore into chocolate brown, wanting to see the truth in them as the vampire spoke.

"Because, Connor. You're my son, and your in pain, and I'm not sure I know how to fix it this time…" Said Angel sadness evident in his words. And each word stung Connor to his very core. He didn't want his dad to be sad, like he was. That's all he ever did; make Angel sad, angry, or hurt…

Connor couldn't stop crying, and he tried, and tried to as he said; "You can't fix me, dad. No one can…" Hiding his face in his dad's shoulder again he added in a small, child's voice, "I'm sorry I'm not the son you wanted."

Angel's eyes went wide at this statement. He pulled Connor a little ways away to look at him and said with such a fierceness, Connor almost believed him; "I don't want you to ever think that I don't want you!" His grip tightened on his son as he said this. "I love you, Connor. No matter what you do, no matter how bad it is, no matter how many times you push me away, I will _always_ love you! Do you understand me?"

But Connor didn't understand. How could someone love him? He hated himself, and thought that everyone else should too. He'd done so many awful things, that Angel didn't even know about, and he'd seen such horrific things, that would make the bravest of man stomach churn. And he didn't even flinch. At least not on the outside. How was anyone supposed to fix him? He was like shattered glass, there were far to many pieces to put back together…

The only thing that ever made him feel better, if only for a minute was killing. And he knew that it was wrong to feel that way about something so vile. He hacked, and slashed, decapitated, and destroyed any, and all demons that he ever came in contact with. He unleashed all the rage he felt inside, out on these dark creatures… All but two… The green one with the horns. Lorne, Connor thought its name was… And his father. His family, his enemy… He treated him like he was the enemy, when really Angel wasn't his enemy at all, no. He was his own worst enemy, and he didn't know how to change that.

"Connor." Angel's voice broke Connor out of his unpleasant state of reverie. "_Do_ you understand?"

"I…" He trailed off, not knowing what to say. What could he tell him? The truth would hurt Angel, but he couldn't lie to him either… His tears still pouring out he said;

"I-I don't know if I do. I just… I just want it to end. I don't want to be here, I don't think that I should be…"

"No, son. It can't end! You have to be here with me. Or… I don't how I'd keep going. I… Couldn't. I'd…" Angel shook his head, not wanting to think of a world without his son in it.

"You'd… What?…" Connor inquired his head tilted to one side.

Angel sighed deeply before he answered. "I can't lose you Connor, not again. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't fight anymore."

"Dad?" Connor said, but Angel was staring down, just like Connor had done earlier. Connor let go of him, and asked in a whisper; "_What would you do?…_"

"I just couldn't make it without you… I don't know how I did before, and then when _he_ took you from me, I just-"

"No!" Connor cut him off, suddenly rigid at the thought of what Angel was implying. He stood up, shaking off his father's touch. "No, no, no, no…" He kept saying, repeatedly shaking his head, his brown mane tousling every which way.

Angel was now on his feet, trying to figure out what to do. "Connor…" He said. "Son, calm down."

"No! No, dad! You can't- No! Not you!" His eyes were wide, and his breathing was ragged, as he paced back and forth across the tiled floor. Angel couldn't do that… He didn't deserve to die like Connor did. Angel helped people, tried to help Connor even though Connor did everything he could to make sure that he didn't… Whether he meant to, or not…

"Connor, talk to me. what's wrong?" Angel asked, grabbing Connor by the shoulders, to still him.

"You!" Connor said, his heart beating so fast he thought he might have a heart attack. "You can't do that! You have to be here!"

"Son, so do you." Said Angel gently. Trying to wipe away the tears from his hysterical child's face, but it was useless for they kept coming.

"No, I don't, but _you_ do! You can't die. Too many people need you here. I don't want you to… You can't… You can't…" He trailed off, as his sobs bled into his word.

"Leave you…" Angel finished the sentence, and Connor nodded, his face now in his hands.

"That's exactly how I would feel if you killed yourself. You _have_ to live, Connor… I _need_ you to. I know I've failed you as a father, but I need us to try… We _can_ be a family, I know that we can."

"You didn't fail me, dad… If anything… I failed you, and I'm so sorry about everything, everything I did to you." Connor let his hands fall to his sides, his face wore a look of pain, and regret.

Angel hated to see Connor feeling this way, he quickly wrapped his arms around his miracles thin frame.

"Shh… I told you I didn't blame you for what happened, and I don't, I never will… I love you, son." He said placing a kiss on top of Connor's head.

_Love?… _Connor thought. Did Angel love him? Yes, of course he did. He always had. But did he love Angel?… He needed him, he needed his dad. He couldn't bear the thought of him dying. He didn't even want to think of it happening now… He had always compared Angel to Holtz. They were so different. Holtz would always tell him that god gave Connor to him for a reason. That reason was to kill his real father. But god wouldn't do that would he? Give him to a man who tied Connor to a tree, for days and did many more awful things to him, to train him for the day when he would destroy the only one who actually loved him.

No. God wouldn't do that. Or who was it that helped Angel with the 'good fight' as he called it… The Powers That Be? Was it them, who let that man take him from his one true home?… He didn't know. He knew now that Angel loved him, he could tell. Not just by the words the vampire had spoken, no. He knew he did from his actions as well…

Yes Angel had lied to him when he when he first came to this place, but he did it for a reason. He did it to protect him. That's all he ever tried to do was protect Connor…

Did he love Angel? Yes he did… He knew now that he always had, he just never could admit to it…

He had to tell him. He had to let his father know that he didn't hate him like he said all those times before. Angel had to know.

He calmed his breathing, and said timidly; "Dad, I…" He trailed off, mentally kicking himself for being so scared.

"Yes?" Angel said peering down worriedly at Connor.

"Dad, I-I-I…" He stuttered. Feeling shy at his incapability to say those few simple words, he hid his face in his dad's chest, then said in a quiet, muffled voice; "_I love you, too_."

It was quiet, and Connor wondered if he had said it wrong, as he pulled away from his father, to look at his face, he was shocked at what met his eyes…

Angel was smiling… Connor had never seen him smile before. And slowly he smiled too, as he embraced Angel and said.

"I'm ready to be a family now…"

* * *

**A/N: So… How'd I do? Be honest now, is the ending not good? If so I'd really like to know… There may be a sequel later on, but for now I have another idea for a Connor fic, and it won't leave me alone, so it shall be written first! Not sure what it will be called yet, but be on the look out for it if ya want :} **


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